That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
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