I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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