guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
