He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
