my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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