I'm so fucking centered right now
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
