i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
