he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
