Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
