Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
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