oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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