I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
