I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
He felt like a one man threesome
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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