I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
