My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
