At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
