do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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