buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
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Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
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This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
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