i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Semen is not good for contacts.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
