omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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