he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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