I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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