Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
