so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
