I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
