Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
