cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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