mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
