we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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