Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
