Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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