wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
You ate ashes out of my bong
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
