somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
