Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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