You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
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I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
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I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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