I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
