Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
