I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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