i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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