Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
