when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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