You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
