Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
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