Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize