yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Randomize
