i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
