You're a womanizer and a bitch.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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