My room smells like vodka and shame
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
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