Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
