1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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