I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
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