It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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