I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
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