Just took my morning after pill in the library
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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