when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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