I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
